


The Choices We Make

by wolviesgal



Category: Deadliest Catch RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 10:44:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1344583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolviesgal/pseuds/wolviesgal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reflecting on the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Choices We Make

**Author's Note:**

> I'd originally written this for a now-abandoned LiveJournal Deadliest Catch Challenge group. It was the first thing I'd written in forever and some DB stole it (and my other fics, along with everyone else's) and put it on FF. So it may look familiar.
> 
> The challenge for this one was Bar. 
> 
> Oh and thoughts are in italics.

The chatter and music of the bar faded into a distant noise as he contemplated the glass in front of him. Rum and coke had always been his drink of choice.

Jake pulled the glass closer and leaned forward to take a sniff. The familiar aroma of the rum filled his nostrils causing his mouth to water in anticipation. Every fibre of his being told him to lift his hand and bring the glass to his mouth, open wide and drink deeply. He could almost feel the warmth that the alcohol would bring, starting in his throat and spreading across his chest. It was damn tempting.

_This would be a very bad idea,_ he thought, absently running his hands over the glass like one would caress a lover.

Although things had been rough for the last few months, his life was good. He had a good steady job on the Northwestern, he was making good money and paying debts. Then there were his crewmates. They were the best group of guys anyone could hope to work with. More than just average co-workers, they'd become his best friends.

The disappointment he knew they would feel nearly made him push the glass away and out of his reach. _I can't screw this up,_ thought Jake miserably, _but I feel like I'm drowning._ His shoulders slumped in defeat, his hands still gripping the glass like a lifeline. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply again.

_Fuck._

Even after years of fishing, nothing had prepared Jake for the rigors of the Bering Sea. Months after the season ended his body was still physically exhausted, his shoulder ached and his hand frequently went numb. _I'm old before my fucking time._ He grimaced as he flexed his right hand. _How can I keep this up?_

He figured it didn't help that he faced the difficult season without being able to see it through to the end. Instead he'd flown home early to be with his family as they buried his sister. At the thought of her, Jake's eyes burned with tears. _Christ Chelsea, I miss you so much._

Hands shaking, Jake lifted the glass to his lips and froze. Drink or don't drink, stay put or get up and walk away? He felt like his world had tilted and he had no idea which way was up. The Id and Superego were battling it out in his mind and he was caught in the middle.

_Drink up Jakey-boy, the voice cajoled. You know you want to._

_Don't do it Jake. You'll regret it._

_Just think of the sweet oblivion. You'll forget about everything._

_It doesn't work like that Jake. You know it doesn't._

_Bullshit, what has playing by the rules gotten him?_

_Seriously? A good job, friends, and respect._ The tone was incredulous.

_Not a chance._ Derision from the other side. _He's sad and alone. Always has been and always will be._

_No,_ thought Jake quietly.

_He's turning his life around. Things are getting better._

_Ha!_

_No._ Louder this time.

_He's a good person!_

_Loser!_

“No!” said Jake loudly, slamming the glass down on the bar, sloshing drink all over his hands.

_Fuck._

Jake slowly raised his eyes from the mess in front of him. It looked like the couple at the end of the bar were too wrapped up in each other to pay him any attention. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for the bartender in front of him.

“Nice,” she sneered, narrowing her eyes at him.

Jake slumped forward, putting his head in his hands. _Please go away,_ he thought desperately.

He sat there motionless, taking deep breaths and willing the world to go away. _Why am I here?_ Not drinking was tough at the best of times but this was just agonizing.

Suddenly there was a soft touch at his shoulder. Jake snapped his head up and found a pair of green eyes peering at him intently.

“Are you okay, darlin'?” she asked softly. Jake started to nod, wanting very much to be able to tell her that he was okay. But the words just wouldn't come.

His gaze dropped, fixing on the condensation sliding down the outside of the glass. Tears rose as he shook his head.

“No,” he whispered. “I'm not okay. I shouldn't be here.”

She nods understandingly. “Friend of Bill?”

“No, I mean I've never done the program, but I do have a, uh, I mean I am a, uh,” the more he stammered the more he started to fidget. She reached out and put her hand on his, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“It's okay, honey. Is there anyone you may want to call to meet you?”

He stilled. _Who can I call that isn't going to read me the riot act?_ He knew he could call his parents, sisters, or even Nick, and any one of them would come no questions asked. But he didn't think he could face the inevitable disappointment on their faces. He could never call Sig or Edgar. Jake would never forgive himself for looking weak in front of them. Norman was a preferable option but he was still a Hansen brother and co-owner of the Northwestern. Who else was there? Matt?

_Matt! He knows what this fight is like._

Jake nodded, “There is someone I can call.”

*****

Matt set his coke down and lined up his shot. “Eight ball corner pocket and you owe me fifty bucks.”

Standing on the other side of the pool table and leaning on his pool cue, Edgar smirked.

“Don't could your money before it's won,” he warned good naturedly, although he was certain that Matt had him beat.

Matt had just started the motions of his shot when his cell phone rang. He flinched and sent the cue ball of track missing the eight ball entirely.

“Fuck.”

“Scratch! You owe me fifty,” Edgar grinned.

With one hand, Matt pulled the money out of his pocket and tossed it to Edgar. The other hand picked up his cell phone and flipped it open.

“This better be good,” he growled.

“Oh, um, sorry Matt.”

“Jake? What's wrong?”

Edgar looked up from the money in his hand, surprise and concern on his face.

“Matt, don't worry about it. I'm okay.”

Matt looked at his watch, 11:37pm. If Jake were calling this late something had to be wrong.

“Where are you?”

“I'm okay. I'll talk to you later.”

“Jake,” he asked gently. “Are you in a bar?”

There was silence on the other end of the line. Matt was beginning to think that the call had dropped when Jake finally answered.

“Yeah, I am.” His voice cracked, telling Matt that his young friend was holding on by a thread.

“Which one? And directions?”

“It's an Irish pub down off 1st Ave.”

“Okay, sit tight. We'll be right there.”

*****

“Thanks Matt,” Jake said. He handed the phone back to the concerned Samaritan.

She took her phone and put it back in her purse. “Your friend coming to get you?”

Jake nodded. “Yeah, he said they'll be – oh fuck.” Horror flashed across his face.

“What's wrong?”

“He said ‘we.' Someone's out with him. Oh crap.”

“I wouldn't panic,” she said reasonably. “If he's a good enough friend for you to call, then he wouldn't bring anyone with him that you can't trust.”

He gave her a half smile. “I hope you're right. I should head outside and wait. Thanks.”

“Any time, darlin'.” She smiled. “And don't take this the wrong way, but I hope I don't see you in here again.”

Jake chuckled as he got up and made his way to the door. _What a fucked up night._

*****

He was leaning against the wall outside by the front door trying to still his chaotic thoughts. When the car pulled up beside him, Jake scrambled into the back seat, not really paying attention to who was in the front.

“Thanks Matt, I owe you big time.”

Matt glanced at him in the rear view mirror as he pulled away from the curb. “Never a problem, man. I know you'd do the same for me.”

Jake nodded. “Absolutely.”

Suddenly the person in the front seat turned around and looked closely at him.

“Are you alright back there Junior?”

Jake froze. _Fuck, it's Edgar. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

“Yeah, I was just being stupid. I shouldn't have been there.” Jake trailed off, not sure what he could say that might rescue Edgar's opinion of him. He felt as though he was twenty-one again and his dad was picking him up from the drunk tank. Shame left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Edgar shrugged. “We all do stupid shit.” He pointed at the corner to the right. “Matt, I need a coffee. Can we stop?”

Matt pulled the car over and the three traipsed in to order their coffee.

Jake sat down with his coffee and doughnut, not sure where to look. He was terrified that he'd see total disappointment in Edgar's eyes.

“So what happened tonight Jake?” Edgar asked quietly.

Jake's eyes flew up from his doughnut, startled. _Edgar called me Jake, not Junior. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

He took a deep breath. “I don't know. It wasn't just one thing. I guess lately things are feeling crazy and I'm just, I don't know...” he broke off not knowing what to say.

“Overwhelmed,” Matt supplied.

Jake looked over and nodded slowly. His shoulders drooped in defeat.

“Don't stress about it, Junior,” Edgar said gently. “We've chosen a hard life or maybe it's chosen us, I don't know. But I know it makes life really fucking scary sometimes. Although we try to deal with it as best we can. We don't always make the best choices but should we fall, we always pick ourselves up and go on.”

Matt nodded in agreement.

“I owe you both. I don't know how things would have played out without you.”

Matt, his mouth full of doughnut, waved in acknowledgment. Edgar just looked surprised.

“We're your brothers, Junior. We're always going to be here for you.”

Jake took a bite of his doughnut and chewed thoughtfully. _Brothers, huh? That sounds pretty cool._

He grinned.


End file.
